I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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