This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
