He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
