Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
