never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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