I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
