I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
