i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
being pregnant is like rehab
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
