how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
