You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
