can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
