Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
