i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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