So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
