just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
