i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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