The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
