ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
