Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
