You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
