Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
