I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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