I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
