highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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