yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
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Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
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YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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