god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
