sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
