Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
