Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
