Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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