there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Randomize
