Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
