Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
The beer is more important than you right now.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
