Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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