I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
