I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Randomize
