Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
