I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
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