Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
