Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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