Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
