hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
