he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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