I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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