If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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