Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
people are starting to question the shark bite story
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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