I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
