Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
We're using joints as your birthday candles
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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