hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
