i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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