You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
