did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
