I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
