you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
