im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
