textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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