I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
